Share the Love

It's hard for me to talk about Emma. It's like this thing that's always there and everyone knows about but doesn't want to "rock the boat" of my emotions. I've decided that sometimes I need the boat rocked. I got a call from Dr. K and even thought it wasn't bad news, it wasn't the news I wanted to hear. I carried this disappointment with me throughout the day thinking it would fade but when I woke up the next morning it was like a brick on my chest. I carried it with me as I tried to get things done but every time I looked at her I hurt. I didn't want to see her that way, as something broken. Finally, as I prayed for strength, it came to me. I just need to talk about it. I stopped Matt in the middle of the living room and said, I'm having a hard time. I told him how I was disappointed that her leak wasn't getting better( what I wanted to say was healed...don't I have enough faith) I told him how I felt like I just wasn't doing enough and felt like it was my fault. He wrapped his arms around me and told me she's going to be fine and it's not in my hands. He continued to comfort me but it wasn't just his words that were comforting, it was sharing the burden that made me feel better. I felt like I could let it go now that it was out there. I know my Heavenly Father hears me and He is the only one that can truly understand my heart and I will always turn to Him first but putting the words in the air and breathing them out into the universe just did something for my spirit. I realized right then that this wasn't something that was suppose to be kept for just me. I have so many people that love me, that love Emma...they all love her, hurt for her, think about that what ifs, rejoice when she's had another miracle, cry when she regresses. So, I've decided to start writing it all down. I have a hard time expressing myself but when I'm writing I think it give my brain time to catch up to my emotions. So here's my thoughts, exposed. I'm just going to start putting them out there and letting them fall where they may. The good, the bad, and the vulnerable.